Saturday, January 2, 2010

Top Five Dude Movies Of 2009

Taken
Liam Neeson goes Charles Bronson on a bunch of French dudes dumb enough to kidnap his daughter. Schlock revenge picture elevated to immense watchability by Neeson's hilariously controlled performance and the movie's callous indifference to maiming and torture. Also: best phone conversation of the year.

X-Men Wolverine: Origins
Convoluted and unnecessary origin story that not only ignores comic continuity but also manages to ignore the continuity of the previous X-Men movies. That said, Deadpool! Gambit! Blob! Will.i.am for some reason! Wolverine and Sabertooth fighting Weapon XI on top of Three Mile Island! It's like the reason Saturday afternoons were made.

Crank 2: High Voltage
Really, all five of these entries should be Crank 2: High Voltage. Takes what was already the most gloriously retarded action movie franchise concept in the English language and frees it from the bourgeois bonds of logic and narrative, creating an addled attention-deficit masterpiece of sleaze, boobs, guns, cocks and electrocutions. Makes the avant-garde scene look like a bunch of girls.

Inglourious Basterds
Tarantino's best joke yet, a wildly clever cinematic prank disguised as a Dirty Dozen style actioner, with the best opening twenty minutes of any movie since Once Upon A Time In The West. If you haven't seen it yet, then whatever you think you know about this movie is almost certainly wrong.

Ninja Assassin
Winner of 2009 Truth In Advertising Award, because truly Ninja Assassin is chock full o' ninjas what do themselves up a pile o' assassinatering. Korean pop sensation Rain's performance of a ninja who like to stand around shirtless and expressionless in the rain will no doubt go ignored by the Academy. Finally answers the age-old question: Who would win a tank vs. ninja fight? Answer: the audience.

2 comments:

MLClark said...

What, no Transformers 2: The Michael Bay Art-House Extravaganza? :)

madkevin said...

Sadly, I could not make it all the way through Transformers 2. Besides, that's more of a Douchebag Movie than a Dude Movie.