Thursday, January 14, 2010

tm Does the QT 20 Part 2: Blade

Blade (dir. Stephen Norrington – 1998)

This movie is crap – fist-size plot holes, cheesy effects, a heamotologist that turns into butt-kicking Vampire killer at the drop of a hat, Wesley Snipes trying to drop one-line Arnold-isms that crash & burn, a top-secret Vampire mafia that owns everything and runs the cops and has a “League of Evil” board room and has tattoos and neon signs but yet Blade has trouble finding them, etc. etc. etc.

It’s about a vampire (Wesley Snipes, chiselled and surly) and his buddy (Kris Kristofferson, shaggy and gruff – what a stretch) and they kill vampires; but Wesley not really really a vampire – ya see, his mom got bit by a vampire just before she gave birth to him, so he’s just got some vampire blood which makes him just a semi-pire. And there’s a rebel Vampire (Stephen Dorff, pasty and lame) in the ranks of the Vampire World Order who thinks the current regime is cowardly and he wants to be in charge and has found the way to unleash the real Vampire God, after all the other vampires have been trying for thousands of years. How does he do it, you ask? He uses a computer! Oh yeah, despite the Vampire World Order owning everything, it takes Mr. Rebel to figure that they can put on sunblock and then can go outside. And then there’s the hottie haemotolgist that accepts this all in 5 minutes after almost being killed by a vampire but is rescued by Wes & Kris and then wants to the help them and she uses her powerful medical knowledge about blood to help Wes become a better killing machine.

This movie would only appeal to immature and/or prepubescent males.

The DVD has bonus features but I couldn’t bear to watch them.

tm sez: 2/10

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