Chris 2010 Viewings #22: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - The Lightning Thief

US, 2010. Directed by Chris Columbus. Starring Pierce Brosnan, Uma Thurman, Sean Bean, Rosario Dawson, Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener.

Ah, Chris Columbus. The Spielberg of hacks. The hack of whom other hacks wonder "what does that hack hack that I don't hack?" A man who wrote a promising screenplay (Gremlins) that dealt in sick and sadistic humour and then proceeded to sit in the director's chair for some of the most odious family entertainment ever made. Along the way he lucked into the first two Harry Potter movies (the mediocre first one and the almost-good second one). Percy Jackson is, from what I can gather, based on a series of books that are a shameless attempt to mimick the success of Potter. How apropos that Chris Columbus should take the reins for the film version.

Percy Jackson is a troubled youth who lives with his mom (Keener) in a NYC apartment with his smelly stepfather (Joe Pantoliano) - his smelliness is a plot point! Percy is a misfit at school - the bullies hate him, because he is hunk who doesn't fit in. He also has been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADD, and only his wheelchair bound teacher (Pierce Brosnan) and crippled comic relief black friend seem to understand him.

But Percy Jackson is no ordinary mortal! He is the son of Poseidon, god of the sea! And Brosnan is only in a wheelchair to disguise the fact that he is a centaur! And his crippled friend only walks with crutches to disguise the fact that he is a satyr! And his uncle Zeus (Sean Bean) is pissed off because he believes that Percy Jackson stole his lightning bolt and is threatening Poseidon with a war of the gods! Percy is whisked away to a summer camp for the mortal children of gods (there are quite a few) until he and his pals decide to take a road trip to collect pearls that will help them travel to the underworld and get Percy's mom back from Hades (Steve Coogan - who, for a moment, seems to be about to play the devil as a young Tommy Saxondale, but this is a Chris Columbus movie, so nothing that cool would be allowed), who has kidnapped her because he wants the lightning bolt.

It's all very involved and, if you think about any of it at all, doesn't make a lot of sense. I put it down to chopping a lot of exposition to make a book fit into a 119 minute movie. I don't know that for sure, but the few seconds I could stand to read fans of the books bitching about what was cut seems to confirm my suspicions. My six year old enjoyed it, and truthfully it never does get dull - there's always a new monster or bit of magic or celebrity cameo at each turn to keep you awake. Plus it has Uma Thurman (Medusa) and Rosario Dawson (Persephone), who are teh hott.

But really, you should just rent Coraline instead.

Chris 2010 Viewings #6: Spy Kids 3 - Game Over

I saw this movie before I even had a kid. In theatres! This is one of the more peculiar things I can think of in my movie-going life. The first two Spy Kids pictures have a certain charm but this one is beneath contempt.

Apparently most of the cast from the first two were disinclined to appear so most of the movie is a solo adventure for the youngest of the Spy Kids. He is sent into a Virtual Reality Video Game in order to defeat its creator, the Toymaker, played with an extra helping of ham by Sylvester Stallone. The reason? If the game actually goes online, all of the kids who play it will be - I'm hazy on this part because I wasn't much interested - trapped in the game or brainwashed or something. So basically it's Halloween III territory, with 3D glasses instead of masks.

So Spy Kid engages in unengaging CGI hijinks, occasionally helped out by wheelchair-bound grandpa Ricardo Montalban, who takes advantage of his time in the game to be transformed into a giant robotic badass. Eventually they leave the game and 90% of the cast from the earlier films shows up for a short afternoon's work fighting a giant CGI robot monkey. Then the Toymaker and Mr. Roarke kiss and make up and everyone says "to family" and the audience says "No more Spy Kids motion pictures please" to which Robert Rodriguez said "OK then, here is a movie I call Shark Boy and Lava Girl" and everyone says "Oh for God's sake" until Shark Boy hits puberty and becomes the Twilight werewolf boy and girls swoon and I am no happier.

It is not any more enjoyable in 3-D.

Mike the Boss - Films of 2010 - Film the Second: Inkheart

Inkheart (2008) (dir: Iain Softley)



Based on the beloved German children's novel by Cornelia Funke (it ranks second in
sales only to Harry Potter in that country), Inkheart is an adaptation that is best viewed before reading the book. Screenwriter David Lindasy-Abaire (writer of boring CGI film, Robots) decides to mix up the story and change the very nature of several of lead villains for no apparent good reason. I mean, I understand the original story is 500 pages long and you only have 90 minutes of film, but why you would change the lead villain Capricorn from an unfeeling person of evil and cruelty to a cowardly rogue I have no idea. However, ignoring the changes, Inkheart the movie still has an element of goodwill about it.

The basic plot outline is that Mo, played by Brendan Fraser, is a "Silvertongue", which means he can read characters and things out of books. He and his daughter, Meggie, played by Eliza Bennett, are being chased by characters from the book Inkheart that Mo accidentally read out years ago. They take refuge at his missing wife's aunt's home, played by Helen Mirren, where all hell breaks loose. Later on, Jim Broadbent pretty much steals the show as the dopey author of Inkheart, Fenoglio.

Director, Iain Softley, does a journeyman's job of hitting the high notes of the book. Almost outshining the story is the setting in the small towns of the Italian Riviera. Gorgeous scenery and beautiful structures made me want to visit the area even more than I already do. All of this combined to let me forgive the failings of the film and enjoy it for what it is. As with most adaptations, there is some feeling of disappointment when they don't follow through on the book but taken by itself, Inkheart is an enjoyable film for the whole family. Do read the book though afterwards, it is great.