Pose Reviews A Movie. #24: Batman Returns (1992)

Well, at least they didn't go with the originally proposed title, Batman, Again.

Alright, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. It's really, really hard to take the old Batman movies seriously now that Christopher Nolan has given the whole franchise a masked facelift, making the Caped Crusader (and his villains) appropriately badass once again.

However, I don't mean to assume that Tim Burton's 1992 follow-up to Batman was necessarily meant to be taken seriously in the first place. Or maybe the early nineties were a simpler era than I remember, having been five years old at the time.

Regardless, Batman Returns is a fine though irresistibly campy piece of film with a solid gothic aesthetic--art direction may be the only thing Tim Burton does well, but you have to admit, he does it really well.

Batman Returns also spawned a trend in villains which would be followed with the arguably more crappy Batman Forever and Batman & Robin whereby an already established baddie is joined by a newer scoundrel who develops their evil counterpart part-way through the movie.

In this case, we have Oswald Cobblepot, The Penguin, whose deformity at the time of birth led his parents to abandon him in the sewers of Gotham City in order to:

a) have him raised by penguins
and b) allow for a lengthy opening title sequence

Catwoman, on the other hand, arrives on the scene when her mortal alter-ego is thrown out of a window and bitten repeatedly by black cats--a process which apparently turns you both feline, evil and crazy if the cats go at it long enough.

These are probably two of the weirdest origin stories in the Batman villain catalogue, but once their plans to take over Gotham City are in place (despite rather flimsy motivations), their villainous agenda turns to the one force that can stop them...

...Michael Keaton?

OK, OK, I know that Michael Keaton used to be Burton's right-hand man, having starred in Beetlejuice and Burton's first Batman, and yes, he's certainly no worse than Val Kilmer in Batman Forever or George Clooney in Batman & Robin and sure, his Batman voice isn't as ridiculous as Christian Bale's but...Michael Keaton?

I didn't buy it. I just feel like he doesn't have Bruce Wayne's cool charm (which is odd, considering his performance in Johnny Dangerously) OR Batman's cunning and machismo. All in all, I just don't think he fits the bill.

Could it be that Tim Burton just gets attached to certain actors, and casts them in places they don't belong just because he wants them in his movies?

Nahhh! Helena Bonham Carter was a GREAT choice for The Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland! (Nervous laughter).

I do want to applaud two of Burton's casting decisions though.

One? Michael Gough as Alfred. I love that guy! He's so old and awkward and scrawny, a kind of Hans Moleman in the flesh. So you almost don't expect him to do anything the entire movie, and then all of a sudden he bails Batman out of a dicey situation and you're like, "Ohh, that Alfred!"

It's just the best feeling.

And two? Christopher. Fucking. Walken.

It's so good to see you, Mr. Walken. And your major role as Max Schrek (and its accompanying hair) makes my heart sing. If only you had been cast as Batman. Now that would be worth Returning for!

For me, Christopher Walken is totally the highlight of this movie. Hands down, 100%. But if you're in the mood for a campy superhero movie, but you don't want to go the Adam West route, take a nostalgia trip and join Penguin, Catwoman, Christopher Walken and the big black bat for a Christmas you'll never forget!

...oh yeah, I forgot to mention. It's also a Christmas movie.

Dude Movies: The Prophecy

What's it about?
Angels secretly fighting a war to usurp humanity from God's grace wind up in Dustytown, USA* to play whack-a-mole with an evil body-bouncing soul of ultimate blackness. This is accomplished mainly by standing around and looking creepy.

Any chicks in the movie?
The disturbingly doe-eyed Virginia Madsen in a rare non-nude appearance as a local school teacher. She's terrible, of course, like she is in everything she's ever been in, but a sad by-product of her not getting naked is realizing just how weird her face is. She has cheekbones that look like they were lumped together by Matisse after a three-day wormwood bender.

Awesomeness factor?
There are two reasons to watch this movie. One: you, like me, have a soft spot for the supernatural-thriller subgenre that involve wacky Catholicisms like renegade archangels, magically enthralled suicide victims and scenes of delicious childhood traumas. The Prophecy never goes fully off-the-rails a la The Omen III: Final Conflict** or God Told Me To***, instead comfortably slotting itself somewhere between Wings Of Desire (from which it shamelessly rips off the now awesomely-dated long-hair-and-trenchcoat look that was apparently de rigeur for angels in the 90s) and Garth Ennis' Preacher comic. Packed with theologically loopy ideas and a very wise understanding of its own budget limitations, it's good fun, especially as the flashes of mordant wit keep it from taking itself too seriously. But what pushes The Prophecy from slightly-above-average 90s b-movie into a slice of grade-A cheeseball entertainment is reason two: the cast. Eric Stolz as a good angel Simon is one thing, but casting Christopher Walken as the crazed archangel Gabriel, leader of the current angelic rebellion, is a masterstroke of awesome. Walken's clearly having a blast, too, chewing through dialog like "I'm an angel, I kill firstborns while their mamas watch" like he was tearing through a particularly juicy Porterhouse. Which makes it even more incredible that he's upstaged right near the end by Viggo Mortensen's spectacularly creeptastic Lucifer in one of the most scene-stealingest scene-steals in scene-stealing history. Viggo's only got like five minutes of screentime but goddamn if he isn't the best cinematic Devil, well, ever. Take that, Robert De Niro in Angel Heart.

Mitigated by?
The dawning realization that, as hilariously goofball as this movie's take on Christianity is, there are like one hundred million Americans who probably think it's a documentary.

* Main export: grit.

** A movie unafraid to use the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to get out of a sticky plot resolution.

*** Ibid.