Pose Reviews A Movie. #42: Desperado (1995)

A quick Google search of action movies that came out in 1995 will easily explain the merit of Robert Rodriguez's Desperado. That year, Rodriguez's film competed with:

-Mortal Kombat
-Judge Dredd
-Batman Forever
-Waterworld
and who could forget...
-Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie

Of course, 1995 also sported the debut of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond in Goldeneye, and the return of Bruce Willis as John McLean in Die Hard: With A Vengeance; films which, at the time seemed pretty cool, but after being rerun on television every week for the following ten years, became (to put it gently) "passé."

This, ladies and gentlemen, was the standard of action flicks at the time Desperado appeared on the proverbial scene. And, when considered within that context, it seems pretty damn good.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the opportunity to watch Desperado's precursor, 1992's El Mariachi, but the updated model is pretty effective as a brainless, shoot-em-up, Benevolent Vigilante vs. Evil Drug Dealing Villains kind of blockbuster.

First, it features Antonio Banderas as one of the greatest badasses since Dirty Harry--a man whose skills in the area of bad-guy-death-killing are second only to his admirable morality in good-guy-looking-out-for. (Read it twice--it's a sentence.)

Banderas is pretty impressive in his portrayal of El Mariachi, a stealthy and cunning stranger who comes to a small Mexican town looking only for "a man who calls himself Bucho," but finding a whole lotta other people in the interim.

After all, Bucho (Joaquin de Almeida) is a man of considerable means, and our hero ends up with a lot of anonymous henchmen to plow through before he gets to him.

Throw in a romance with Salma Hayek and a wicked awesome soundtrack by Los Lobos? Well, you've got yourself a movie!

Certainly, Desperado isn't really going to make you think. But it's sure as hell fun to watch. The action sequences are awesome, and reasonably overdone for effect, and the script isn't as terrible as it usually is when you're dealing with an action movie from 1995.

And it's especially fun to watch Danny Trejo in his role as a hired gun (or...knife), now that Machete has been released. (And if you haven't yet seen Machete, watch it afterwards for some delightful homages!)

Essentially, I'd recommend this slightly formulaic, action-packed feature if you're looking to give your brain a rest, but still want to watch something that doesn't suck. If you're in the right mood, it can be a real treat.

After all, Desperado is pretty decent. You know...for 1995.

Pose Reviews A Movie. #38: Machete (2010)

Who says you can't make a real movie out of a fake trailer?

Machete, the new feature from Robert Rodriguez, answers this ridiculous question in five swift letters: FOOLS.

Based on the humorous-yet-undeniably-badass trailer preceding Grindhouse: Planet Terror, Rodriguez's new feature packs an impressive punch to end off what has been a relatively ho-hum season of summer blockbusters.

And although it won't be released on DVD for a few months, I feel compelled (nay, obligated!) to stir up some buzz and anticipation for this explosive romp through hell.

Machete continues Rodriguez's experimentation with the exploitation genre--an endeavor he started with Planet Terror--and it's evident that he's honing his skills. Machete has the ridiculous over-the-top violence and gratuitous, totally-out-of-place nudity characteristic of the genre, but it also offers a political commentary which, though decidedly not subtle, offers the film something akin to actual substance.

The plot of Machete doesn't follow the standard revenge-tale archetype in the manner implied by its fake trailer--in fact, Machete himself (Danny Trejo) is something of a reluctant hero. Living a simple life as an illegal immigrant in Texas, Machete seems content doing manual labour for a living wage after an epic betrayal ends his days as a Mexican Federale.

It isn't until a wealthy businessman by the name of Booth (played with just the right amount of scumbag by Lost veteran Jeff Fahey) makes him an offer he can't refuse that he breaks out a few of his old tricks.

As they say, old habits die hard.

...except in this case, old habits don't die. They KILL!

Booth's offer involves the assassination of a U.S. Senator (Robert De Niro) whose excessive stance against immigration would be hilarious if it weren't so reflective of some actual American political figures.

After the assassination goes awry, and Machete learns of Booth's true motives, he teams up with an Immigration Enforcement officer (Jessica Alba) and works somewhat effortlessly to take him down.

The greatest part of Machete is easily the upstanding morality of the title character. He never kills unless it's necessary, he always gives the bad guys an opportunity to consider their misdeeds and run away, and when it comes time to take out the trash, he does so with considerable ease.

Machete is one of the most likeable action heroes ever, and it's delightfully rewarding to see him almost single-handedly rid the film of its evil-doers.

Machete also sports an unbelievable cast, and although the acting is nothing tremendous, some of the big names make it a lot more fun. In addition to the names bracketed above, you get Cheech Marin as Machete's estranged brother and Michelle Rodriguez as a Harriet Tubman figure, running an underground railroad for Mexican immigrants.

But let's not forget the one man who makes Machete shimmer. The one and only Steven Seagal.

Seagal's appearance as the big cheese of evil is nothing short of heartwarming, and his climactic sword-fight with Machete is probably in my Top 10 for Hollywood Fight Scenes, if not only for the eventual outcome.

Machete is an absolute blast, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who likes their movies drenched in epic conflict, slimy bad guys and stuff blowing up for no reason.

...and yes, you get to see Lindsay Lohan naked.

You know, if that's your thing.

Chris 2010 Viewings #6: Spy Kids 3 - Game Over

I saw this movie before I even had a kid. In theatres! This is one of the more peculiar things I can think of in my movie-going life. The first two Spy Kids pictures have a certain charm but this one is beneath contempt.

Apparently most of the cast from the first two were disinclined to appear so most of the movie is a solo adventure for the youngest of the Spy Kids. He is sent into a Virtual Reality Video Game in order to defeat its creator, the Toymaker, played with an extra helping of ham by Sylvester Stallone. The reason? If the game actually goes online, all of the kids who play it will be - I'm hazy on this part because I wasn't much interested - trapped in the game or brainwashed or something. So basically it's Halloween III territory, with 3D glasses instead of masks.

So Spy Kid engages in unengaging CGI hijinks, occasionally helped out by wheelchair-bound grandpa Ricardo Montalban, who takes advantage of his time in the game to be transformed into a giant robotic badass. Eventually they leave the game and 90% of the cast from the earlier films shows up for a short afternoon's work fighting a giant CGI robot monkey. Then the Toymaker and Mr. Roarke kiss and make up and everyone says "to family" and the audience says "No more Spy Kids motion pictures please" to which Robert Rodriguez said "OK then, here is a movie I call Shark Boy and Lava Girl" and everyone says "Oh for God's sake" until Shark Boy hits puberty and becomes the Twilight werewolf boy and girls swoon and I am no happier.

It is not any more enjoyable in 3-D.