Ryan Watches A Motion Picture #49: Tarkan Vs. The Vikings (1971)

I am going to talk about Turkey.

Turkey’s typically drab and melodramatic cinematic output was slim to nil until the late 1960s hit the country like Attila the Hun. Turkey’s film industry exploded in the blink of an eye, and what once was the meagre production of a handful of films a year became approximately three hundred, at its apex. This explosion resulted in the creation of a mad host of exploitation films, filled with all the violence, sadism, sex, and senseless nudity that defined the genre. Drawing much inspiration from 1930s and 1940s American serials (the likes of Zorro, Flash Gordon, and Tarzan), the Turkish pop cinema often showcased the ultra-cliché: testosterone-powered soldiers, masked superheroes, and indomitable barbarian sword-slingers. These films shamelessly ripped material from popular Hollywood films, stealing soundtracks and even going so far as to insert whole film sequences. Of the most famous is the notorious ‘The Man Who Saves the World’ (1982), or ‘Turkish Star Wars’ as its affectionately called. Check it out on youtube.com, it’s all there.

As TV took hold in the 70s, the Turkish cinema began to flounder. Distributors began to insist on racier sex scenes in an attempt to draw people back into the theatres. It worked, and for a time the theatres were packed tighter than ever before. According to Aytekin Akkaya (of Turkish Star Wars fame), the cultural climate was all but sexually free, and the soft-core sex scenes that the films contained (mostly little more than topless women, in truth) were a necessary release.

By the time the 80s rolled around, the Turkish cinema had just about exhausted itself, and American cinema had taken its place upon Turkish screens. Sadly, the bulk of the films produced during this period of boom are lost – many films were actually destroyed for the silver contained in the negatives.

BUT TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS REMAINS. And you must see it. Based off a popular Turkish comic book, Tarkan features a patriotic Turkish barbarian, upholding Turkish ideals, fighting Vikings and giant octopi, and laying with Valkyries and exotic oriental assassins. For your trouble you’ll get to see another film on the dvd, one titled The Deathless Devil (1973). This one’s a superhero film, and while perhaps not as grand, it is well worth the watch if you’ve some friends handy. You’ll even get to see the featurette from which, in the spirit of Turkey, I have stolen the material for this article.

So: I can't express how much I love this movie.

Top Five Dude Movies Of 2009

Taken

Liam Neeson goes Charles Bronson on a bunch of French dudes dumb enough to kidnap his daughter. Schlock revenge picture elevated to immense watchability by Neeson's hilariously controlled performance and the movie's callous indifference to maiming and torture. Also: best phone conversation of the year.

X-Men Wolverine: Origins

Convoluted and unnecessary origin story that not only ignores comic continuity but also manages to ignore the continuity of the previous X-Men movies. That said, Deadpool! Gambit! Blob! Will.i.am for some reason! Wolverine and Sabertooth fighting Weapon XI on top of Three Mile Island! It's like the reason Saturday afternoons were made.

Crank 2: High Voltage

Really, all five of these entries should be Crank 2: High Voltage. Takes what was already the most gloriously retarded action movie franchise concept in the English language and frees it from the bourgeois bonds of logic and narrative, creating an addled attention-deficit masterpiece of sleaze, boobs, guns, cocks and electrocutions. Makes the avant-garde scene look like a bunch of girls.

Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino's best joke yet, a wildly clever cinematic prank disguised as a Dirty Dozen style actioner, with the best opening twenty minutes of any movie since Once Upon A Time In The West. If you haven't seen it yet, then whatever you think you know about this movie is almost certainly wrong.

Ninja Assassin

Winner of 2009 Truth In Advertising Award, because truly Ninja Assassin is chock full o' ninjas what do themselves up a pile o' assassinatering. Korean pop sensation Rain's performance of a ninja who like to stand around shirtless and expressionless in the rain will no doubt go ignored by the Academy. Finally answers the age-old question: Who would win a tank vs. ninja fight? Answer: the audience.

Waterloo Zombie Walk 2009

It is time for the undead to walk the streets of Uptown Waterloo! Saturday, October 17th is the date of doom.

The zombies should gather at 2 pm in the parking lot behind the LCBO in Uptown Waterloo (at the corner of King & William St).

The temperature is supposed to be 7C so dress appropriately (you will be outside for most of the walk).

We are slow moving zombies (none of that ridiculous running zombie stuff here) so if you are late to arrive you should be able to find us shambling up King Street. Hopefully special guests, the Tri-City Roller Girls will be able to skate slowly too.
First stop is the Quantum to Cosmos Tent in the Waterloo Town Square where we will terrify the incredibly smart.

Then we will go up to Erb and cross over to stumble down the other side of King to Whole-Lot-A-Gelata for some free brain-flavoured gelata (or chocolate peanut butter whichever you like better).

After that we will drags our corpses back up King and then hook over to 10 Regina Street N to Gen X Video where the great zombie prize giveaway will occur. Plenty of great stuff this year. Costume pieces from Queen of Hearts Costumes, books from Wordsworth Books, gift certificate and t-shirt from Orange Monkey, New Moon and Astro Boy gear from Entertainment One Films, T-shirts from Anchor Bay Entertainment and DVDs, free rental coupons and a BLU-Ray player from Generation X - Video & Media.

Finally, for those inclined, we will retire to Ethel's Lounge for a beverage or two before we return to the land of the living for another year.

Please remember to follow the rules of the road, don't damage any property (ie. bang on windows) and respect the living (they are our food source after all).

Most of all, have fun!

Hope to see you there.

Zombie Master Mike