Maggie 2010: HALLOWEEN PARTY SURVIVAL GUIDE

So it's the day before Hallowe'en, and you're scrambling to finish your costume and get party supplies for tonight and tomorrow. Problem is, you're already hung over from Friday, and someone forgot to grab movie picks from Gen X a sensible time in advance--say, Wednesday, even Thursday, to beat the rush.

Now you know you're going to be shit out of luck for most of the new horror films--which is too bad, because Pig Hunt, about an epic quest for a mythic giant pig that takes its heroes into the realm of nympho pig worshippers, is just the right kind of ridiculous. And if you haven't seen The Human Centipede yet, what, are you living under a rock? A rock with no centipedes???

As for contemporary classics like Let the Right One In and Evil Dead: please. You'll be lucky if one of the sequels to Resident Evil or Underworld got left behind. (But check, just in case.)

Speaking of zombie films, there are some kick ass numbers out there. We've got every "of the dead" you can imagine -- including the more recent Survival of the Dead, but the zombie hit list also includes more sombre fare like Mutants (which is an awesome film, with really intelligent human interactions, but requires English subtitles, and for this reason might not do as well in a rowdy crowd), so wade carefully through piles of the dead!

So what do you do? Well, first you see if one of the Feast films is in--the series a clear party favourite because each film makes fun of its genre for you, leaving you with more time instead to say and do really dumb shit in the company of "friends" who may or may not help you puke into your porcelain god of choice a few hours down the line. You know, because that's always fun.

Still can't find a movie that's in? Cover all your mainstream bases by checking out the following:

1) Cabin Fever
2) Scream (It's better than you remember.)
3) Sleepaway Camp
4) Trick 'r Treat
5) Alien
6) Se7en

All out? That's cool. You know what works for parties? Vagina dentata. Say that three times without a shiver coursing down your spine, and then rent Teeth. It's awesome in crowds.

Too light-hearted? Check out my Staff Picks wall for The Orphanage. Del Toro loves killing children in his films, and damn, is he ever good at it.

Still too light and fluffy? You have two options:

1) Go gore-fest crazy: Dead Alive (you will NEVER look at zombies the same way again), Poultrygeist (you will NEVER look at fast-food the same way again), Ichi the Killer (you will NEVER look at people the same way again), or August Underground (you will NEVER... well, actually, it's hard to look at anything the same way after watching this: Win!); or

2) Go bizarre: Eurosleaze classic The Devil's Nightmare, Fulci's Zombi 2 (complete with a scene where a SHARK, A ZOMBIE, AND A NAKED CHICK FIGHT EACH OTHER UNDERWATER), Otto: Up with Dead People (note: read the case CAREFULLY before deciding to traumatize your friends with this one: the trick is not to let on how grossly inappropriate this film is until you're already halfway through, and there's no turning back!), or They Live! (for the glasses scene alone -- trust me, a clear crowd favourite for sheer ridiculousness, as all John Carpenter films are).

NO NO NO, you say: You've got it all wrong -- this is a CHILDREN'S party! A family-FRIENDLY affair! Don't you have something my kids can watch without wetting their beds after?

Fiiiiine:

1) Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit -- Delightful fun at the expense of misunderstood monster rabbits. WARNING: Many vegetables were harmed in the making of this film!
2) Arsenic and Old Lace -- A classic black-and-white flick about two sweet little old ladies and the dreadful menace they pose to lonesome gentlemen (complete with the ever-unsettling Peter Lorrie!)
3) The Dark Crystal -- You've never seen muppets so utterly terrifying.
4) Labyrinth -- You've never seen DAVID BOWIE so utterly terrifying.
5) It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown -- If you don't like Charlie Brown, well, you're just a bad person. The End.

BUT MAGGIE! you might then ask -- being kind and courteous that way -- if we're all renting these fantastically fun party films, what will YOU be watching for Halloween?

Good question! The answer: Kimjongilia: A documentary about the tyrannical dictatorship of Kim Jong Il, and the cult of personality that has allowed millions of people to have lived and died in fear, oppression, and almost complete isolation from the rest of the world.

Now THAT'S scary.

Happy Hallowe'en weekend, everyone!